Going out to dinner is becoming more of a chore than a treat. I have been wrestling with my mother becoming  more demanding and less tolerant in restaurants. So much so in fact that I have tried to anticipate everything she will ask (or demand) and ask before she has a chance to. To my mind, I phrase things in such a way that they don't come across as demands.

But there's a problem with overcompensating. By anticipating her desires, am I then silencing her? And I don't mean that in a good way. She has a need to be heard - don't we all? And in trying to avoid Mom/Waitperson interaction, I am creating stress for myself. Which is crazy - because that's why I started doing it in the first place. (well, that and avoiding embarrassment..) 

The whole thing came to a head last week when I was so focused on anticipating her needs that I knocked over my own (full) glass of sangiovese trying to get her a napkin. There's nothing like the loss of something dear to you to make you face reality. (I had really needed that wine....)

Let her talk to the waiter. Let her make her demands. Sit back, relax, enjoy the wine, enjoy the dinner, enjoy Mom.
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B. Lynn Goodwin

September 01, 2009

71.204.177.218

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Thank you for your blog. It brings back memories of Wednesday afternoons when my mother wanted to go out to a late lunch after her hair appointment.

At Emil Villa's, the waitress would ask what she wanted, and she would look at me when the words wouldn't come out.

"Scrambled eggs well done?" I asked. She nodded.

The waitress gave me a look that said, "Why don't you let her talk." She can't talk, but I'm giving her choices, I wanted to say.

Hash browns? White bread toasted?" She nodded.

Our system worked and after the hassle to get in with the walker, I felt good that something was working, whether the waitress liked it or not.

B. Lynn Goodwin
www.writeradvice.com
Author of You Want Me to Do What? Journaling for Caregivers

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